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 Dear Abby move out of the way...here comes Dear Rabbi! Email your questions to Rabbi Aaron at: rabbi@bethsholom.net and keep checking the website for updates! Concerned Parents Dear Rabbi, We have invested heavily in our son’s education. Our son has completed all his elementary and secondary school education with a Jewish day school and CHAT. Through the years, our son needed encouragement, support and sometimes persuasion. But now we are afraid we created a monster. Our Jewish observances are now not good enough. While he is attending University out of town, he is keeping strict observance with the Jewish laws as prescribed by Orthodox practice. He is reluctant to come back home and dine with us. As you know, we are traditional conservative practicing Jews with a reasonably kosher home but apparently not good enough by his standards. We are afraid of losing him if we haven’t already lost him. He is now threatening to leave University to attend a yeshiva in Israel. What should we do? Signed, Concerned parents. Dear Concerned – Thank you for writing me. Indeed, this is a situation that I am called on, at times. It seems to read like a line from a Jackie Mason joke, about something or someone being ‘too Jewish’. It is often said that passion and rebellion runs deep in the shallow waters of adolescence. In some way, if your son is choosing religion as a form of rebellion – or if he legitimately sees this as his way of finding and expressing the meaning of his life, I reckon that you could certainly do worse! I know that many parents feel when their child becomes more observant than they are it is a rejection of them, and their life – in truth, it is not. As you made choices regarding your ritual life, so your child is, as well. In some ways, he is making a more informed choice – as he has the benefit of a Jewish education the likes of which you did not have. So, I would recommend that you run your kitchen in accordance with the traditional standards of Kashrut – A few years ago I wrote a small book on this – so that your son can eat with his family. Remember – everyone can EAT kosher food, but not everyone can eat non-kosher food. Having a kosher kitchen is like having an open invitation to anyone to come and eat. As well, remember that tolerance is a two way street – you will make you accommodations to him, to make him feel that no matter what his tenor of religious life, that he is loved and a member of your family – but that he also needs to respect and love his family for what they are. Of all the lessons he will learn, none could be more important than that. Don’t be so concerned! - Rabbi Aaron Are we the problem parents? Dear Rabbi, As you know, my wife and I enjoy attending services and helping out where we can with the shul. While we keep a traditional Jewish home and send our daughter to a private Jewish school, she does not want to come to shul. It is now one year after her bat mitzvah and she wants to leave CHAT. We cannot persuade her to even come to shul except for High Holidays and even then it is not without resistance. We are afraid she will join the already large number of Jews who have completely abandoned their Jewish faith and way of life. We would like to somehow bring her back into the fold. What are we doing wrong? Your advice in this matter would be greatly appreciated. Signed, Are we the problem parents? Dear Problem, Maybe you should speak to ‘Concerned Parents” from the letter above?! All kidding aside, what we see from these two letters is the fact that religion is one of the most important issues that we all face – and our children are no different, they struggle with it, too. And we move through differing positions and feelings on religion from time to time, and at different stages in our lives we need and think of religion in different ways. Our children are no different, and they move through the progression of their early lives they will try to understand what role it plays for them. In some way, your daughter’s rejection of religion may have less to do with G-d and Judaism than it does with you. Maybe it is a simple act of teenage rebellion- that she is trying to identify herself by how she is different from you? I would think that she needs to see you continue to go to shul, and keep your traditional life. She needs to know that she is always invited to come along, but never compelled to do so. She needs to know that this is the way that this family lives and worships – that Judaism is a fundamental part of your lives. And that she can choose how Jewish she wishes to be, but she has no choice but realize that she is a Jew, no matter what. But she also needs to know that these are her decisions, and religion and faith will be among the most challenging issues she will face in her life. In short, show her love – that is all a parent can do, in the end. You are not the problem! – Rabbi Aaron |
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